Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Axel's List

Well, here we go. You'll find things from many different games and campaigns in this list, though there are two big ones. I won't go into names, for protection of the not-so-innocent, but suffice to say they were the kind of games that hang over the head of a crew for a long time.

I'd just like to reiterate this point before I begin: everything in this list actually happened, and I was told (in some cases jokingly, but in most cases not) that I was not to do it again/at all (not always in exact words, but actions can speak louder than words). Draw your own conclusions about what that makes me.

  1. I will not destroy the other players at freeform roleplay, even if I warned them it would happen and suggested that we use dice like the game itself wants.
  2. Can't force two DC25+ Toughness checks in one round, unarmed, at PL4, without buying powers, due to the DM's stupid house rules.
  3. Especially not against the DMPC.
  4. It was okay the first time, but no longer allowed to make characters who can hit DC47 on a take10 at PL8.
  5. Can't crowd control thirteen mobs single-handedly even if the DM's stupid house rules allow it.
  6. Can't know more about the setting than the DM, even if he did rip off the setting wholesale from a set of visual novels and related media.
  7. Not allowed to grapple the enemy NPC, even if she is a spellcaster and I have no other way to be useful this fight.
  8. Can't play a villain who has the moral high ground over the PCs.
  9. Can't acquire a map of the Forbidden City when we make plans to invade it and present a small-unit tactics strategy that destroys the setpiece, even if that is my character's job.
  10. Not allowed to have a higher Int score than the rest of the party combined.
  11. #10 applies both in and out of character.
  12. Can't seduce a lesbian with my male character, even if the rules say I can and their player is agreeable to it.
  13. Especially not when the DM is trying to get her to sleep with her loli DMPC instead.
  14. Can't call the DM out on being a lolicon, in or out of character, even if he is.
  15. Not allowed to reveal the entire plot after two weeks of play, even if it is patently bloody obvious.
  16. Not allowed to build a character who can't by damaged by other PCs, even if they are plotting to kill her because their player dislikes me.
  17. Can't build a character who is cooler than the DM's pet loli.
  18. No longer allowed to play female warriors who have no intention of bearing children.
  19. Can't play a female soldier who keeps rubbers on hand, even if I've known people who do that IRL.
  20. Can't play a male investigator who is more attractive than the DM's loli eye candy.
  21. Can't play said investigator as having any knowledge of the PCs, even if it is: A. his job to have that knowledge, B. his backstory and mode of entry into the game involves a months-long investigation of them, and C. the rules say I can.
  22. Can't use Hokuto Shinken, even if the rules say I can.
  23. Can't set the idiot berserker on fire, even if the rules say I can.
  24. Can't throw the idiot berserker out an airlock without anybody finding out, especially if the rules say I can.
  25. Can't tell the idiot berserker that I fucked his girlfriend, especially if I did.
  26. Not allowed to quote Legend of Galactic Heroes in character, even if it's appropriate.
  27. Even if I act like Yang Wen-Li, in or out of character.
  28. Not allowed to quote Akagi or Kaiji in or out of character, especially if it's appropriate.
  29. Even if I look like Akagi, in or out of character.
  30. Not allowed to plot an invasion of Terminal Dogma for the purpose of stealing Adam and backstabbing NERV, even if the plan is solid and we would totally pull it off.
  31. Can't take out a full-grown soldier as a 15-year-old girl with a huge knife, even if he did screw up his Parry test.
  32. Even though it worked and was cool, I should not have turned the perfect soldier back into a raging, cannibalistic berserker by beating up, knifing, and then making out with him, in that order, in full view of our commanding officer.
  33. In Adeptus Evangelion, not allowed to use real-world nature survival knowledge to destroy the DM's setpiece, even if the party has those skills.
  34. Especially not allowed to make him give up on the setpiece by killing the bear he threw at us, and then hacking off and dragging its leg with us for food.
  35. When the pilots hit the town for celebration, not allowed to order any drink the DM has to look up.
  36. Especially not allowed to order any drink the DM has to look for another party member, in or out of character.
  37. Not allowed to use my superior computing knowledge to (amusingly) destroy the DM's "Everything is Online" campaign, even if my character is the best hacker in the world.
  38. Not allowed to seduce Death, even if she is hot and the dice say I do.
  39. Especially if she is hot.
  40. Especially if I'm playing a pornomancer diplomancer with the morality of Dr. Manhattan.
  41. Especially if she is the mind-controlled fuckslave of another player's DMPC.
  42. Probably shouldn't spend fifteen minutes describing how I climb up Zeruel's freaky ribcage thing while it tries to stab me/perform a Super Inazuma Kick/get my Chow Yun-Fat on with a bunch of Jet Togethers, even if the DM did give me a +60 bonus for it.
  43. Shouldn't play off the DM's love of Gunbuster to get huge bonuses.
  44. When playing a wuxia game, I will render my character's name as "Little Tiger", not "Xiaohu", if I want the rest of the party to be able to pronounce it.
  45. It's impolite to refer to the incredibly annoying loli as "Runt".
  46. Similiarly, when the guy playing her is kicked out of all the groups he's in, it is in poor taste to nickname him "PS3".
  47. When the DM throws us up against two clones of Adam, I should not turn it into a one-on-one cage match and then use Mimic Field on his A.T. hax in order to learn Anti-AT Field, shutting him down.
  48. Can't make a build that deals 8d10 damage every turn, even if it leaves me totally defenseless.
  49. My AT Tactician is no longer allowed to cream her flightsuit when she oversynchs with her Evangelion, no matter how creepy I make it, because it made some players uncomfortable for the wrong reasons.
  50. Not allowed to formulate any plan which will result in the swift deaths of other PCs, even if they are being dicks and are on the opposite side.
  51. Not allowed to defeat the DMPC in single combat.
  52. Especially not because I've actually read Dark Heresy's combat section and am using combat actions the DM is unfamiliar with.
  53. Especially not if I'm playing a girl.
  54. Not allowed to mock the strongly-denied, but very consistent, "Loli Powerboost" in-character.
  55. Especially not if I'm under house arrest for showing the loli up previously.
  56. Not allowed to make the other participants in a mock battle look bad by throwing the fight to gather intelligence on them while hiding information about my own capabilities, especially in conjunction with #28.
  57. Not allowed to beat up the Champion in single combat in my combat debut, even if the dice say I do.
  58. Goblins are sentient creatures, not pets.
  59. Removing a creature's sentience does not qualify it as a pet.
  60. I should not recieve a pension for babysitting the Int 6 party members, in or out of character.
  61. Being immune to the DM's "now take this 12 damage" fiat is not considered to be in good taste.
  62. Not allowed to convince the idiot pointman that whenever he turns up to a session late, the other characters have been having a girlpile orgy.
  63. Especially if my character is male.
  64. I should remember that tabletop games usually involve rolling dice, and that any plan which secures victory without at least one die being rolled is not allowed.
  65. My friend and I will not hook up our characters for the express purpose of avoiding being coerced into erotic roleplay with that one guy, even if we roleplay the shaky nature of the super-fast hookup realistically.
  66. Not allowed to play a hero-turned-villain who is impossible to find conventionally, but answers his mobile/cell phone when his hero girlfriend calls him.
  67. Especially if, when he picks up, he is drinking beer and playing videogames with her boss.
  68. I am not allowed to have any Device rig that grants me more than 2000 pp, even if the rules say I can.
  69. Similarly, I am not allowed to use a simple back-and-forth rig to get 300 pp, even if the rules say I can.
  70. I am not allowed to play any male character who may be misconstrued as female.
  71. Especially not in a game full of lesbian characters.
  72. Especially when I can win opposed seduction checks against them on a take10.
  73. I am forbidden from declaring The Blues Brothers canon, no matter how much sense it makes.
  74. If the rules say that new players on the forum can't use cards from the Extreme Victory Yu-Gi-Oh! set onwards, but that anime cards are totally legal, I will not make a Temporal Machine God deck that just happens to be a perfect counterpick to the moderation's decks.
  75. Similarly, I am no longer allowed to play roleplay decks which revolve around: Aura Armor, Self Destruct Button, cards with "Cat" in the name, Super Vehicroid Stealth Union, Gorz the Emissary of Darkness, Satellite Cannon, Flint Lock, Victory Viper XX03, the Volcanic archetype, Core Chimails/Koa'Ki Meiru, the Tech Genus archetype, Synchro monsters in general, Gandora the Dragon of Destruction, "direct attack" cards, Trap Monsters, anything that I'm borrowing from the guy who topped a tournament with a deck containing Neo-Spacians but no instances of Neos, Exodius the Ultimate Forbidden Lord, Infinite Fiend Mirror, any deck containing more than 30 traps and less than 5 monsters, any deck used by and in memory of that girl in our circle who died, Amazoness, White Knights, the Armor Subtype, any deck which runs three copies of Grave of the Super Ancient Organism, Quasar/Halberd Making Game decks that can consistently summon Shooting Quasar Dragon or Tech Genus Halberd Cannon MAXXX-INFINITY in a single turn, any deck capable of Accel Synchro Summoning, any deck capable of *Delta* Accel Synchro Summoning, any deck based around a card which hasn't been updated with Waboku's errata, or Scab Scar-Knight.
  76. I am not allowed to bluff my opponent into thinking I have Mirror Force facedown to ward off their attacks, and then top into it on my next turn.
  77. Can't play mindgames with my opponent by listing off what their obvious next play will be before they make it.
  78. The previous two rules especially apply in conjunction with #28.
  79. Shadow Duels are not "best 2 out of 3".
  80. Not allowed to, after making 5 highly unlikely rolls to deflect the stupid satcannon Angel's planetbreaking laser, inform the DM that the strength of my luck is inversely proportional to my enjoyment of the game.
  81. I am not allowed to repeat anything I saw in Another Gaming Comic or its excerpts.
  82. Especially if Joe Chaos did it.
  83. Especially if Omit did it.
  84. This goes double for anything taken from Welch's or Skippy's Lists.

1 comment:

  1. These and other, less politically-motivated/enforced, don'ts are permanently archived at (including a few of my own).

    Also I thought you were gonna put them up over THERE instead of making your own thing.